Initially, I felt like grief and happiness were two separate experiences. It didn't seem possible to feel both at the same time. I only felt grief.

Then one day, I was grieving and felt moments of happiness. I was filled with instant guilt. How could I feel happy and grieve? They still felt separate.

But now I've learned grief and happiness can coexist. It is possible to feel both at once. It's not the same as it was before my loss, but I cope with my grief and allow myself to feel joy.

My initial grief versus my grief with coping mechanisms and support.

And that is heartbreaking, because the last time you saw them... it wasn't supposed to be that last goodbye. You're not always able to hold their hand at the hospital. And that is heartbreaking, because if you could... you'd be there for them and with them. Nobody should have to be alone. You're not always able to make it to the funeral and that is heartbreaking, because it feels like that is your last chance to see them one more time. To get the goodbye you'd never thought you'd have to make... but you don't always get to say goodbye.

Please don't feel like you have to "get over your grief." Yet, all grievers do feel at some point they were expected to move on, but when? Why? Grief was allowed at the hospital. Grief was allowed at the funeral. Grief was allowed in the days that followed. But where was the day you grief was no longer accepted? It's unfair that after a couple months or even one year, people think you've moved on. It's unfair because grief doesn't have a timeline. Grief changes with time. Grief does not always look like initial loss, but you'll still feel it. Maybe in waves and that's normal. It's normal. It's normal to miss loved ones. It's normal to mourn. It's normal to remember. It's normal because grief doesn't have an end date, we just learn to cope with it throughout our lives.

that feels they missed their time to grieve. You've sought out validation that "grief has no time limit" yet, you still feel lost in your late grief. The words still cut so deep, yet you keep putting on this façade that you're strong.

I miss talking to you.

I miss talking to you.

I miss talking to you.

There isn't always a reason. Or at least not a reason that will make the pain of grief okay. To a griever, the loss of a loved one is reality. It's not the spark of "something great" like in the plot of a movie or book. It's painful. Some grievers do and will find purpose in their pain, but others time it's just painful to think that this was planed or caused on purpose. That all of this happened for a reason. I guess whether things do happen for a reason or not... a reason doesn't take away the pain of grief.

I thought they really meant it and cared, so I guess that's why I felt so alone when their support became so distant. I guess that is why I started to blame myself. Maybe I was the one too distant. I didn't always reply to the messages. I didn't always feel like going out. I didn't always show out loud that I appreciated their support. But I did. And maybe they mirrored that distance. But I am grieving and I need them to be there for me. I just don't always have the strength to ask for the support. But the check ins stopped coming. People moved on with their lives. And I learned to be their for myself.

I noticed sometimes grievers don't allow themselves the time or space to grieve. Initial grief may feel like a checklist. You may feel like you have to be strong for the family. And then plan the funeral. Then it is time to return to work. But when is your time to let yourself grieve?

Grief is universal, an experience we all go through. Yet it is so unique. We all grieve differently. You can lose the same person, but still grieve differently. You can go through the same type of loss, and still grieve differently. You can experience multiple losses, but each relationship is different and we cope and grieve them differently. The takeaway here is that is normal and not to to judge what worked for someone else, because it might not work for you. What worked for you in the past might not work not. Grief is an experience we handle one day at a time.

You'll know it when you feel it. It is a type of grief wave that hits a bit harder. It engulfs everything. It'll feel hard to stay afloat.

The club none of us asked to join. Where membership was automatic after losing someone we loved. We all grieve differently, but I want to help and support you.