Initially, I felt like grief and happiness were two separate experiences. It didn’t seem possible to feel both at once. I only felt grief. Then one day. I was grieving and felt moments of happiness. I was filled with instant guilt, how could I feel happy and grieve? They still felt separate. But now, I’ve learned it’s possible to feel both grief and happiness at once. It’s not the same as before, but I cope with my grief and allow myself to feel joy.

I used to wonder if that was allowed. At first, I assumed if you were happy then You “were over” your grief. the first time I felt happiness, I felt guilt. How could I smile in a world they’re not a part of? I felt judged when I’d laugh in public and cry in private. My grief was erased in everyone else’s eyes during that momentary happiness. I didn’t want others to think I was “moving on” because reality is you don’t move on from your loss. But grief and happiness can coexist. It might feel like a struggle to accept that, but you’re allowed to be happy. Smiling and enjoying life doesn’t take away from the loss you’ve experienced or the love. You’ll always grieve, but you’re allowed to live a life they’d be proud to watch over.

If you’re watching over me, I hope I’m living a life worth watching.

This sentiment is something I began telling myself that almost gave me the permission I needed to be happy. Grief is so complicated and adding happiness into the mix ramped up the complications. They felt conflicting.

It’s one thing for someone to tell you “they’d want you to be happy.” Because well, clearly. Who wants someone to be sad? But losing a loved one is sad. So learning that happiness could be a part of the grief process took some time to accept. It’s one thing to be told to be happy, it’s a whole other thing to feel it.

Grief doesn’t go away, just because you have felt happiness again. I still mourn all my losses. I feel their absence even more in those happy moments. I wish they would have seen me get married or become pregnant with my first child. But I do think and believe now, if they are all watching over me, shoot, I better give them a life worth watching